basically every tweet i ever wrote except for all the ones i deleted because i got obsessed with the idea that They Were Going to Kill Me, or, on being _unwell
May 18, 2022
tried to riff on a tweet, but as i was writing my riff, the tweet got deleted. well, game recognize game. nothing more fun than deleting a tweet. maybe deleting all your tweets. the hard refresh. stay well everyone. thank you.
☐
don’t really see the big issue with this article?
`
May 21, 2022
this says a lot about the state of things, i think
May 22, 2022
from the ivory tower to your phones, everything as it should be
May 27, 2022
have to say that having the novel coronavirus and being trapped in your room isn’t very fun. i don’t know why so many people have been hyping it up
May 29, 2022
[fbi raid]
fbi guy, gesturing at a bookshelf: yo johnson get a load of this
johnson, whistling: vol 2 and 3
fbi guy: but check the spines. pristine. my guy hasn’t even cracked them open
jimmy mcnulty, pulling down a copy of the body keeps the score: who the fuck was i chasing
May 31, 2022
haters may tell you otherwise, but i think it’s kind of nice when you decide to get into an artist because you want to be closer with someone, and even better, when you then slowly develop your own meaningful, private relationship with their art outside of that initial context
June 1, 2022
as a trans woman who doesn’t tuck, i never had the chance to tape a dick that can’t stand up anymore. that’s why, this pride month, i’ve decided to partner with netflix,
June 3, 2022
thomas pynchon has written a lot of words, probably none as profound as ``change your hair, change your life’’
June 4, 2022
June 5, 2022
moby dick is so funny. `argh this whale ruined me life and now i must have me revenge!’ girl . . . she doesn’t even know you
June 6, 2022
are there good cults? or are cults by definition bad? genuinely asking
June 7, 2022
when it comes to art, a lot of people on this site seem to think being a hater is the best way to be contrarian. not so. the best way to be contrarian is to take whatever opinion and reduce its intensity to 65\%. pretty good'',not great’’, ``alright’’, these are powerful weapons.
☐
plumber: hello
me: hello
plumber: i’m here to fix the pipes
me: ok
[time passes]
plumber: the issue is that you’ve got a lot of hard water in these pipes
me (elite education): you mean ice?
June 12, 2022
lenin: 1000 chapters?
me: 1052, yeah.
lenin: and it comes out weekly?
me: often feels like a decade, but yeah.
lenin: and he’s made of rubber, how did that happen?
me, sweating, teeth gritted: …
lenin: how did that happen?
me: . . .
lenin: how-
me: YOHOHO HE TOOK A BIT
☐ not impressed with this so-called `sentient AI’. talk to me when a computer learns how to take a popular twitter joke format and slightly tweak it to accommodate a piece of pop culture, salient current event, or even another popular twitter joke format. that’s real intelligence
June 13, 2022
tough pill to swallow, but there are literally millions of americans who are not my mutuals. the political significance of this fact cannot be overstated
☐
got told i was a transvestite'' and not a real trans woman, and also separately that i needed to be kicked in the balls to resolve my gender issues, but neither affected me nearly as much as being put on a list entitlednew york’’ where the only other person is the subway updates
☐
big day in the drafts
June 19, 2022
[doctor’s office]
me: . . .
pussy surgeon: . . .
me: . . .
pussy surgeon: . . .
me: have-
pussy surgeon: i still haven’t read pierre menard
me: bummer
June 20, 2022
it’s beautiful we have a whole day dedicated to mutuals. hope you are all well
June 21, 2022
not sure i like insomnia. there’s not that much to do
☐ was seeing a good friend this weekend and something funny happened and i said, that’s funny, and then they said, are you going to tweet about it? honestly, i was a little humiliated. i thought they knew me well enough to know that slice of life shit never works for my brand. sigh
June 22, 2022
if some of you had your way, jerry seinfeld would be making jokes about how george’s date can’t pick which of the community kitchens to eat at because she’s too dialectical and kramer would be gay and there would be no material want and the human spirit would unshackled and elain
June 23, 2022
so many different kinds of pants made it into this laundry cycle. surely i can’t have worn all of them. i don’t know what’s happening
June 26, 2022
``will my life materially change if i hit my love goals?’’ is the kind of thing you always suspect you might hear a tech man say to his tech man buds in an sf coffee shop, but then it actually happens and what can you do? set yourself on fire? then he’ll know you were eavesdropping
June 28, 2022
historian here \emoji{wave}. did you seriously think people were using these things? a spikey ball on a chain? get serious. you fucking idiot. you stupid piece of shit. you really thought people were using these? this is something an eight year old would think up. you dumb asshole.\emoji{thread}(1/37)
June 29, 2022
for about a year there, i really thought 25 was the best age you could be. now i’m thinking it’s 26. we’ll see what happens next year. these things change.
☐ i have a really hard time watching movies, or even films, because often they reuse actors. and it’s like, i’ve seen you before. you were just having phone sex with a computer. now you’re stealing heroin from a bunch of dentists? like i understand object permanence. i’m not a baby
☐ having leftovers is so fun. more food!! i wonder what you taste like cold
July 2, 2022
officer, singing: cuff her and read her her Lin Manuel Miranda rights
woman who hates musicals, puns, and getting arrested: oh jesus fucking christ
☐
thinking again about how walter benjamin discovered the ``saying ‘this edible ain’t shit’ activates it’’ law almost 100 years ago
July 3, 2022
clown car nascar where the pit crew rides around in the car
☐ taboos are so funny. like girl!!! no
☐ i wagered my life that the next pynchon novel is going to feature a trans woman named nota tucker. we’ll see
July 4, 2022
i have a very hard time believing that magnets don’t expire
☐ it’s interesting that everyone knows it’s bad to make mistakes but still does it. like don’t do that. it’s bad.
☐ queue is such a funny word. you get it right on the first letter and then take four victory laps
July 5, 2022
it’s easy to run this wing through a kind of standard liberal arts analysis: the exact same wing can mean two totally different things to two different people, given those people’s tolerance to spice. i . . . um . . . well to me, spice has always been about a sense of . . . compunction
☐ twitter’s interesting because it’s basically an mmorpg that, depending how you spec, is either a fun place to joke with your friends about shared interests, or high stakes arena combat that can literally destroy your life. it’s up to you, really
July 7, 2022
i don’t know what the sluttiest thing a man can do is, but based on the last time i was called a whore, the sluttiest thing a woman can do is walk down the street holding a quiche
☐ i don’t think she’d do that, your honor. not my mutual
July 8, 2022
it’s probably basically fine to tweet every thought you have the second you have it. what if you have another one later?
July 10, 2022
maximalism is the best. who doesn’t love more stuff?
July 11, 2022
every single day i see someone do a quote tweet that’s the exact text of the tweet they’re quoting, but with a different context, and every single day i do this and think, pierre menard, PIERRE MENARD. ``pierre menard, author of the quote tweet’’ even sounds similar! i’m losing it.
\centering
☐ you should be able to bet on more stuff
July 13, 2022
literary criticism is fun because sometimes the critic is like, hey, i can write too!! and i’m like, sick, i love a twofer
July 14, 2022
the gen-x slacker thing is so cool. i don’t really like doing stuff either
☐ short tweeting is so hard. there’s no room
☐ do you think when pynchon and his wife were naming their son he had some like ``just kidding… unless’’ type suggestions? or did he play it cool
☐ contemporary literature needs more movements, manifestos, things of this ilk
July 15, 2022
[anime bad guy jail]
bad guy 1: i had it under control, but then he started believing in himself
bad guy 2: the power of friendship for me
bad guy 1: damn
☐ once i was standing next to some guys, and another guy came up and asked for cigs. one of the guys pulled out an empty pack and said ``sorry man’’ and the guy walked away. but then the guy said “i always keep an empty pack on me. otherwise i give too many away. i’m just too nice.’’
July 16, 2022
waking up is so fun. like hello. i am alive
☐ how come trans self-infantilization always seems to be about like stuffed animals and never about cultivating a childlike sense of wonder at the miracle of our existence? i ask you
July 17, 2022
sunday morning is all about laying on the couch and drinking a serious cup of mud. it’s imperative to the project
July 18, 2022
on the surface, criticism seems like the easiest job in the world: you just like everything that’s good. but when you dig a little deeper, you see that you also have to dislike things that are bad
☐
[literary canon draft]
announcer: and with their first pick, the queers are taking james baldwin. no surprise there chuck
chuck: none at all
announcer: and it seems the the stoners have just taken pynchon. they’re leaving benjamin on the table—the jews could make a move here
July 19, 2022
every day is mutual monday if you, like me, have an extremely tenuous understanding of the passage of time
☐ being trad is so funny. like girl!! he’s not coming back
July 20, 2022
looking in a mirror is so funny. like girl!!
☐ out of bed is one of the best ways to slink
☐ it should be legal to tweet at night
July 21, 2022
i think twitter may be destroying my brain. but i think it’s helping my posts. tricky
☐ (ethereal bisexual obama) uhh let me be queer
☐ realism is such a busted genre. like stop trying to fool me. i know that didn’t happen. you’re making it up
☐ why is wikipedia so wide
July 23, 2022
[dankrupt polycule guy]
i’m looking for an eighth
July 24, 2022
spicy food is so fun. like youch!!
July 25, 2022
if you read books and also have delusions, it’s so important that you read don quixote
July 26, 2022
reposting this one with some tweaks. as always, open to suggestions and corrections
\centering
☐ lowkey kind of crazy how math just works out like that
July 27, 2022
me: . . .
psychiatrist: . . .
me: . . .
psychiatrist: and you cured bipolar-
me: cured.
psychiatrist: by reading don quixote?
me, sheepishly: it’s a classic for a reason
July 28, 2022
(caulk twitter) top ten caulks that go hard
☐ it should be legal to eat a sandwich for dinner
July 31, 2022
everyone: the infinite jest coffee with ``deep’’ as a tasting note can’t hurt you
the infinite jest coffee with ``deep’’ as a tasting note:
☐ one of the key things about gender is that it’s always happening
☐
this is soooo important
☐
August 1, 2022
[david attenborough voice]
over the course of the day, a poster may send five or six tweets. come night, the culling begins. one by one, the tweets are deleted. most posts end in failure. but no posts fail more often than those that are format posts.
☐
August 2, 2022
☐
☐
August 3, 2022
☐
\pagebreak ☐
☐
\pagebreak ☐
August 4, 2022
August 5, 2022
i’m sorry if i ever miss one of your posts. it’s not my intention. but it is my impact. and i have to own up to that
☐ hey saw you from across the bar. you were lingering a second too long when you were people watching. i caught you, you stupid son of a bitch. you thought you could people watch me? you thought you could sit there and appreciate the rich tapestry of human experience? you stupid bi
August 6, 2022
sometimes i have trouble watching television because i think, there’s no way they’d do that. not a person this hot
☐
[sandwich joint]
dalai lama: make me one with everything
sandwich guy: yo vinny check this out, he’s doing the bit. the fucking dalai lama. in my sandwich joint [chuckles] one with everything coming right up.
☐ weekend twitter feels a bit like watching soccer. stuff just kind of flows back and forth. maybe there’s a goal, maybe not
☐ nothing about experiencing psychosis has prepared me for the average episode of american television
August 7, 2022
August 9, 2022
☐ it’s nice of twitter to give you little writing prompts. “write about catholics in new york”, “complete this sentence: ‘she’s a 10 but’”, things of this ilk. gives everyone something to do
☐
[therapy]
me: [lays out the grand unified theory of all my problems, effectively solving them all in one fell swoop]
therapist: dank. now you can start therapy 2
August 10, 2022
solipsism’s so funny. wym you’re the only person? i’m right here
☐
[bank]
clown: for the last time, i am pagliacci. p-a-g-l-i-a-c-c-i. pagliacci. [turns around in frustration] oh fuck me. grimaldi.
grimaldi: money troubles again, pagli? [snickering] all those doctor visits, one presumes.
pagli, through gritted teeth: this doesn’t concern you
August 11, 2022
one problem with the internet novel is that it always focuses on the experience of blue check highbies and never foregrounds the experience of the anon lowbie. i should be seeing things like ``After some thought, I decide not to tweet `buoyant pussy has me saying eureka!’ I sigh.’’
☐ it’s an iron law of the jungle that if you encounter another disheveled white woman wearing birkenstocks, you must engage her in a footrace. so i did, ofc. but just as i started to pull ahead, i sensed that she had places to be, and i held back. what can i say? the empath’s curse
August 12, 2022
if you’re a fan of hanging out, i really can recommend living with your girlfriend
☐
August 14, 2022
[breaking bad but they make hrt]
dea guy: we’ve never seen stuff this pure. they’re calling it blue sky. apparently you start seeing feminizing effects right away
other dea ``guy’’: just how fast are we talking here captain?
dea guy: hours
other dea ``guy’’: and is it reversible?
☐
\pagebreak ☐ guy whose life is so consumed by the theories of russian literary theorist mikhail bakhtin that he thinks “hetero” is short for ``heteroglossic’’ and that this is the kind of thing you should articulate about yourself on a first date, something that he’s on: i’m kind of hetero yeah
August 15, 2022
gm mutuals
August 15, 2022
August 17, 2022
because the thing about ``this is water'' being a chicken-soup-\-for-the-soul type banality just means that it's primed for exactly the kind of move he was so fond of making where you take something that's banal and seemingly hollowed out and animate it to reveal its profound kernel!
☐ seeing so many women on my tl freely unloading their deranged takes. this is beautiful
☐ liking a reply but not the OP . . . i see you’re a champion of the minor literature
August 18, 2022
[problematic author list]
| marx | insufficiently dialectical |
| lenin | insufficiently dialectical |
| stalin | insufficiently dialectical |
| mao | insufficiently dialectical |
| althusser | murderer |
| castro | insufficiently dialectical |
☐
[medieval trade guild happy hour]
the bard: and thus he said, i’m not a journeyman, i’m a journey, man
grimwald: yo man that’s fire
man who holds and cultivates a small landed estate: where??
☐ it’s interesting how only some people get paid to think about stuff when we all do it
August 19, 2022
☐
August 21, 2022
i’m glad that people on here like to talk so much about the books we read in high school because i always forget what happened in them. it’s nice to have the refresher
☐ i’d say one of the best things about doing the writing prompt of the day is the sense of community. it’s nice to be a part of something, you know?
☐
SEO king
August 23, 2022
this is such a rich text
August 25, 2022
[important gate]
guy: one of us always tells the truth
his partner: and one of us always lies
together: what will you ask?
me: do you do this bit to each other? does that make it hard to communicate? that’s two questions sorry
guy: it can be-
his partner: can be what, craig
August 27, 2022
does anyone have recommendations for books that are studies of a single author? like rabelais and his world type stuff
August 29, 2022
[concert]
kacey musgraves: is there a word for the way that I’m feeling tonight? / happy and sad at the same time
me, in the back row holding the DSM-V open to the page on mixed episodes: kacey, hey kacey, you gotta see this! sorry, excuse me, sorry, kacey! kacey! look at this
☐
fuck you, that’s my name!! you know why, hon? cause you wore cat ears to get here tonight, i wore an eighty thousand dollar suit. you can’t play in a woman’s game. because only one thing counts in this life! get them to turn and see you who is cunt!! you hear me, you fucking fa
August 30, 2022
this is a good thing, but i don’t think i will ever recover from reading this paragraph
☐ i have a friend who worked for a guy who once said to him ``you’re not making beats? everyone in the free world’s making beats.’’ there is no hyperbole hyperbolic enough to communicate how much this anecdote has affected me
☐ dr. gerald t. diagnosis walks into a bar. the barkeep asks, and will there be a miss diagnosis this evening? dr. diagnosis pulls out a gun. will there be a miss fire, he asks the barkeep, whose last name is fire. in the corner, mr. communicate texts his ex, thinking about u babe.
☐ san francisco might be the most swagless city in the united states. this is how effective altruism can make a difference \emoji{thread}(1/376)
August 31, 2022
there are literally billions of people on this earth whose tweets i’ve never seen. i’m missing so much data
September 8, 2022
September 17, 2022
[the “meme trilogy”]
| ulysses | wife guy |
| gravity’s rainbow | i want that twink obliterated |
| infinite jest | the lonely stoner frees his mind at night |
September 18, 2022
the word mezzanine promises so much and delivers so little. missed opportunity
September 19, 2022
reality is that most gazebos aren’t nearly as quirky as that word suggests
☐ inside every L is a W struggling to be born
September 20, 2022
it would make a lot more sense to curry flavors. but what do i know
☐ it says something special about art when its concepts persist into a new era, but it says so much more when even its ways of seeing, its ways of thinking, its—in a word—hermeneutics stay relevant, when a new generation of enthusiasts use it to interpret the world. seinfeld, then,
☐
re: JCO
September 22, 2022
ah. classic.
September 23, 2022
the only two ways to get into heaven are socialism and deleting viral tweets
September 25, 2022
existentialism really feels like some@shit they should’ve figured out earlier
September 26, 2022
hey, could you follow me back? we were mutuals on my old account. we never interacted, but i saw your posts for five years and you became an important fixture in my life
September 27, 2022
math is an interesting field because there are an infinite number of things to make up names for. compare this with people who study ants, for example
☐ the arc of history bends toward more types of guys
☐ it’s not clear to me why you’d build a ceiling out of glass in the first place. how do you deal with all the bird shit
September 28, 2022
i love it when novelists write essay collections. like what do you think about stuff?
☐ stumbling on the sidewalk and dropping all the individual bottles of beers i was carrying, which shatter on the ground as i drop to my knees and moan the words `my elixirs . . .’ to the passersby, who simply step around me and carry on with their busy, emotionally demanding lives
September 29, 2022
the chicago manual of style is really as dramatic as i need it to be
☐ it’s toad thursday: reply to this for a custom toad
September 30, 2022
one difference between a car and the bus is the rich tapestry of human experience. another is the length
October 1, 2022
rap features are one of the most fun parts of the genre. like yeah . . . i brought a friend
☐
she’s done it again
October 2, 2022
my understanding of david lynch movies is that he shows you the dark underbelly of american normality but i don’t understand why people need him to say it when you can just take an edible and watch literally any american romcom to experience psychic horror beyond your imagination
☐
steve harvey: we’ve got the top five answers on the board. here we go. if steve harvey pierced his septum, what would he be trying to feel?
obama: uhhhh let me see queer
steve harvey, baffled: queer . . . ok, QUEER!
[number 1 spot on the board rolls over]
obama: and pussy too
☐ one of the craziest things about being alive is how many experiences there are
October 3, 2022
one common feature of being alive is that people want to do things
☐ the bildungsroman is such a good genre. like damn some of that stuff happened to me too
October 4, 2022
such a relief when a work of art explains itself. i was worried i’d have to do that!
☐ i think@i could be neurotypical if i did the research
October 5, 2022
you’re mentally ill (crowd boos), but it’s society’s fault (crowd cheers), you’re responsible for managing it (crowd brandishes assorted weaponry) by turning your illness into a weapon (crowd speaking in ecstatic tongues) and also doing self-care (yanked off stage by giant hook).
☐ the trolly problem is interesting, but why not just throw yourself in front of the trolly? that way you don’t have to make a decision
October 6, 2022
i did some discourse about the novel for @gawker
many thanks to @BrandyLJensen for the brilliant edits!
October 8, 2022
it’s lowkey crazy what fog can do for an urban environment
October 10, 2022
fall is so big for people who like to describe weather as crisp
October 12, 2022
i’m so glad people started saying lowkey'' andhighkey’’. like it helps so much to know what key a thought is in
☐ if they invented a shower you could take a walk in, human thought might progress tenfold
☐ when karl marx said ``the wealth of those societies in which the capitalist mode of production prevails, presents itself as `an immense accumulation of commodities,’\thinspace’’ he really got to the heart of something i think about very often: there is just so much stuff
October 13, 2022
which team do you have taking home the title?
☐
&
October 14, 2022
it’s so sick when fiction is about the power of story telling. like yo this itself is a story!! that’s you, big dog
October 15, 2022
i think it’s kind of cute how academics just write books for each other. i like writing for my friends too
☐ i thought tár was pretty good, in that it generated lots of ideas for tweets, but also pretty bad, in that i saw it in a movie theater and couldn’t write down the ideas for tweets
☐ i watched some commercials yesterday and now i’m starting to think spending 17 hours a day on twitter isn’t giving me a good sense of the american zeitgeist
☐ it’s a little crazy that commercials don’t share more of a sensibility with the canonical literary novel
☐ if DOOM’s on the track, you can be sure that beat is going to have a lot of noises
October 16, 2022
writing realism seems hard because you can be wrong
☐ one problem with cinema is that it sets unrealistic expectations. for example, i thought more of my life would involve waking up on a hot summer day to radio people saying ``it’s a scorcher out there’’
☐ given their qualities, you’d think there’d be even more poems about supermarkets
☐
it’s too bad haters got their hands on the phrase the jewish question'' first, because i feel like it could get a lot of play in athe irish goodbye’’ type situation
☐ if i was a therapist i would ask questions like ``what’s your dick like, homie? what are you into?’’ for evaluation purposes
October 17, 2022
it’s interesting to me that cooking and eating a steak is seen as ``primal’’ but eating raw leaves is not. i guess maybe if you you use your hands?
☐ one useful thing about reading ancient texts is that you realize how much we have in common with the past. for example, i am reading georg lukács theory of the novel, and he also really likes to just go off the vibe
☐ it’s cool that some book clubs end up being world-historical
October 18, 2022
i’m basically this but for knowing how much better my straight male friends would look with nose piercings
October 19, 2022
this chart explains many things
☐ nearly every day i learn about a new account on twitter
\pagebreak
☐ for the fan of both yelling and statistics, sports has much to offer
☐ i have a hard time taking drake seriously
☐ twitter is nice because if you don’t know something, a lot of people will explain it to you
October 20, 2022
bartleby is so relatable if you also hate tasks
October 21, 2022
an essential part of reading one piece is keeping up with it’s lively talmudic tradition
☐ i acknowledge that i am in a position of relative privilege tweeting this (6 foot 1), but the fact that taylor swift (5 foot 11) is the most famous tall woman in the country only goes to show that the oppressors will only allow that which they can appropriate
☐
you will never be an early 20th century jewish intellectual and hashish enthusiast who earnestly documents and theorizes about your experiences with hashish in a fragmentary work assembled after your tragic death; you will never be an early 20th century jewish intellectual and ha
☐ is anyone doing anything fun this friday night? i’m drinking a beer
October 24, 2022
sorry i missed your messages. i was online, tending to my affectations
October 25, 2022
the absolute stranglehold ``stronger’’ had on the bar and bat mizvah dj circuit circa 2007 is now fodder for the personal narrative section of the insufferable but now legal essay a young jewish intellectual could write about kanye west. we are at death con 3. be advised.
☐
gf: ugh your pedantic little obsession with outdated words is driving me insane! do you see the angry mood i’m in??
me, shaking my head and wagging my finger: that’s bate
☐ even though the long-term effects have yet to be seen, i’m so glad i’ve lived to see the legalization of tweeting at night
October 26, 2022
secret to being a 26 year old adult is to build some level of mystery into your life. for example, if you buy bread that has seeds in it, then forget you did this, then cut into the bread, you might wonder: where did these seeds come from? the universe is vast and full of enigmas
☐
i didn’t realize this was illegal?
October 27, 2022
the consequences of rolling a sativa spliff were twofold: one, it produced in her normally demure companion a rather litigious, lawyerly affectation; two, said lawyerly affectation was—with respect to the vibe of the well-attended, sporadically biannual crawfish boil—deleterious.
October 28, 2022
``i have a man bricked up in my basement’’ doesn’t immediately scan as a cask of amontillado riff. apparently.
☐ i don’t really ``lift’’ per se but i do carry the cumulative weight of every mistake i’ve ever made, and that’s gotta count for something
October 31, 2022
browsing the ``experimental’’ tag on pitchfork and cooking up new personalities at illegal speeds
☐
have you ever noticed how it’s always your poly friends with the dirty sinks? you ever notice that? six partners all living together and tons of dirty dishes. i mean, c’mon. one of them’s even named Soap. that’s what i call a poly phony. [bass slap] any bakhtin fans here tonight?
November 1, 2022
November 2, 2022
i’ll be pretty sad if twitter changes in any perceptible way but i think it’ll actually be ok if it gets destroyed; there are a bunch of adult skateboarders who hang out at the cafe next to my apartment, and i think i’ll just befriend them to discuss the Issues and share my Ideas
☐
9yo: mama you DIDN’T put on akira kurosawa’s seven samurai?
[background: we have a tradition where whenever he misses his father or a masculine presence i put on akira kurosawa’s seven samurai]
—was it something i did? [pouts \& storms off]
Reader, I forgot.
☐ imagine: on one of your mental illness walks, a gray subaru rolls up beside you, rolls down its window, and reveals bay area teens, who yell something unintelligible at you as you pause your music and hear only the sounds of adam tooze’s podcast voice escaping the closing window.
November 3, 2022
unblocked the only account i had blocked today. no accounts muted. no words muted. once in a blue moon, i’ll consider an unfollow. i just don’t believe in improving my experience online. it’s called radical acceptance, and i practice it every single day
☐ no broader point here, but all the ``boys chats’’ i’ve been grandfathered into are basically heartwarming spaces of sincere emotional growth, or rabbinical circles centered around Texts like capital or one piece
☐ it’s just so fun when you get to a colon and the first two items following the colon are commaless but separated using semicolons. like ooh when’s the list item with the comma gonna come??? i’m on the edge of my seat. i’m hungry
November 4, 2022
[parking lot]
the plug: . . .
me: . . .
the plug: . . .
me: what’s wrong with doubloons?
☐
mutual friday: what is everyone reading this week?
i started this book, which is answering a lot of questions i had about irony, and also is structured around types of guy
November 5, 2022
the morgue is probably one of the worst places to be a regular
☐ much like jordan peterson, i also find myself crying as i think about Concepts
November 6, 2022
heartbreaking story
☐ for fans of looking at the most beautiful woman of all time, i can really recommend having a gf
☐ is this sativa? i- [begins to sing; stops] bro i can’t- [begins to sing again; winces, stops] bro you know sativa makes me warble
☐ going forward, any twitter handles engaging in a project of ironic self-fashioning through the creation of an exaggerated, knowingly artificial online persona that people nevertheless mistake for the authentic self without clearly specifying “parody” will be permanently suspended
November 7, 2022
runner’s high is more of a visceral, embodied thing whereas walker’s high is more@cerebral and good for creativity
☐
dasha is dating louis ck!'' you blink.dasha is dating louis ck!’’ but you’re still staring at your computer. ``dasha is dating louis ck! dasha is dating louis ck!’’ nothing. you’re trapped in the horror of the present, the only reality you’ve ever known. you must change your life.
☐ if twitter wants to make money it should just introduce a gambling feature
☐ me v hunter schafer on the buzzer, easy grail. tossup one, i first clue pynchon. she’s nervous. buzzer race on ``oceanic feeling’’. mutter that it’s stock. she’s tilted. negs the common link on baseball. i power vulch. no mercy. she’s in a negstorm now. i let her sweat. i got time.
November 9, 2022
[travel channel]
voice over: i’ve smoked weed in a lot of countries. but there’s just something special about smoking weed in your hometown
[cut to stoop]
weed anthony bourdain: clean piece? check. homegrown sativa? check. hemp wick? check. lavender? [chuckle] that’s a new one
November 10, 2022
oh babe, you know i would like your tweet if i saw it, but the new algorithm . . .
☐ twitter’s a lot funnier when you’re pretending to be yourself. just one woman’s opinion
☐ if twitter collapses we’re going to lose so many important fixtures
November 11, 2022
it’s easy enough to dunk'' on mr. musk for his mishandling of this acquisition, but in fact, i can empathize: a few weeks ago, i spent \$17.99 on a seafood dish that came withfried rice cakes’‘—well, you can imagine my white surprise when what came were not the rice cakes i expec
☐ reading sontag is always fun if you want to be inspired to be less afraid of thinking about stuff
☐
the homie who is earnest and forthright: honestly, dog? to be honest, dog? that whole experience shook me to my core.
the homie who is seismically retrofitted, but nevertheless empathetic: [smiles softly]
November 11, 2022
[real thing i just overheard in a book store]
girl: do you like anime?
guy: yeah i like anime.
girl: pretty girls.
guy: yeah i-
girl: pretty girls!
November 12, 2022
November 13, 2022
crazy there are people who can’t enjoy tofu because of gender
☐ i’m so glad you opened that bottle of beer in a nonstandard way. this space was swagger deficient
November 14, 2022
one interesting feature of taking your little Illness walks whenever you start to feel the Illness is that you can conceptualize yourself as both a person walking their dog and the dog
☐ wow that’s a banger. you should tweet that, your honor
November 15, 2022
being a stupid joke girl on the stupid joke site is fun, but sometimes i think about it
☐
[lamp room]
genie:
me:
November 16, 2022
it’s so fun when an author uses it is'' in the first half of a sentence, but thenit’s’’ in the second half. someone has range!!
☐ baritone satyrs are lowkey goated in situations where wordplay is the vibe
November 17, 2022
calling things ``bogus’’ kind of fell off, even though the forces of bogusness are stronger than ever. in society
November 18, 2022
[vatican city]
pope: it’sa sativa?
me: pink jesus
pope: . . .
me: . . .
pope: . . .
me: on god
☐ it’s crazy what 5–8 glasses of wine can do for your appreciation of the urban environment
November 20, 2022
the sad truth is that many americans live in cities that are not spider man accessible
☐ some stem nerd went sicko mode on the wikipedia page for sour cream, and we’re all reaping the benefits
November 21, 2022
one thing you learn studying literature is that a lot of history can happen in apartments
November 22, 2022
an unsupervised goose could kill anywhere from three to five children a year
November 23, 2022
it’s ok you didn’t laugh. my niche internet subculture has literally 1000s of members, and maybe a dozen of them would think that was funny
November 26, 2022
[interrogation room]
guy, beating the shit out of me: say it again
me: a drink from a cool glass of water late at night >\thinspace>\thinspace>\thinspace>\thinspace>\thinspace>\thinspace>\thinspace>
guy, hitting me again: how are you even making that noise
November 27, 2022
this is basically a groupchat i’m in
January 2, 2023
does anyone have any good recs for things to read about marxism and humanism? can be for or against
January 5, 2023
[victorian england]
me: here you go little boy, try this on for size. we call it hyperpop
pip: blimey
me: weird, i thought you would die or something
pip: then why play it ma’am
me: . . .
pip: . . .
me: you’re right, that’s totally on me
☐
this is basically a groupchat i’m in
January 7, 2023
probably the best job in the world is to be the person a celebrity goes to when they’re doing like an architectural digest house tour and they need someone to curate their bookshelf to line up with their esoteric public persona. if anyone knows rpattz, tell him i’m ready to cook.
January 8, 2023
``this says so much about society’’ is such a funny conclusion. like girl!! that’s where we live \emoji{purple-heart}
☐ twitter combines all the fun of gambling and thinking
January 11, 2023
[degrowth situation]
climate stalin: comrade, fork over that J
me: be careful, this is gas
climate stalin, eyes narrowing: it’s what
January 12, 2023
dreams are so cool. i love being in fake situations
☐
loving this new direction
January 13, 2023
too much tongue, your honor
January 14, 2023
the bush era was crazy
January 15, 2023
this laundry discourse is so unserious. as materialists, we should be focused on what’s real: the fact that—lyrically, ideologically, and artistically—r.a.p. ferreira’s laundry'' is absolutely smoking j. cole'sfolding clothes’’ in the ``best rap songs about doing laundry’’ bracket
January 16, 2023
[houston]
major tom, crackling over the speaker: and i’m floating in a most peculiar wayyyy
rocket tech, covering the mic and rolling his eyes: exactly what she was talking about! ``i’m tom. i’m different. nobody floats like me.’’ [uncovering the mic] tom? buddy? your wife called
☐
[socialism]
me: hey i’m headed to the laundromat to do laundry, drink 1-3 beers, smoke 2-4 cancer free cigarettes, and make some new friends
gf: ok have fun. i’m going to stay in and read. there’s a new book about what happened with sex work after the revolution
me: :)
gf: :)
January 17, 2023
[bus stop]
farmer: i’m getting fucked by the crops this year
me (girl who posts screenshots of pdfs on twitter): i hear ya
January 18, 2023
the ways in which this could be the basis for the greatest DSM of all time
January 19, 2023
sontag has a fun thing
January 20, 2023
``suspend’’ my disbelief? and practice carceral pedagogy . . .?
January 21, 2023
i like to make the therapist’s job a little easier by already knowing everything when i come in
February 1, 2023
catching up on current events
February 2, 2023
my take is that we should leave nothing up to groundhogs or a lot of things up to groundhogs, but one thing up to groundhogs is deeply unserious
February 3, 2023
i used to think it was normal to walk around and think stuff but now i know it’s sebaldian
☐ probably the funniest thing you could do when you spend $4.79 at the grocery store and ask for a receipt is eat it, but they never talk about stuff like that in the cut
☐
can’t help but feel some of the original character was lost here
February 15, 2023
i will support any mutual who is cooking food, feeling hot, or having a cat
February 17, 2023
if you’re not a wife guy, you’re not paying attention
February 18, 2023
thank you ``sensitivity readers’’
February 19, 2023
☐ people in rock bands often act cool and rebellious to distract you from the fact that they are doing a group project
February 21, 2023
\emoji{saluting-face}
February 22, 2023
[time travel]
me: you’re telling me you tempered this clavier in a well? yuk yuk
johann sebastian bach, muttering to himself: what the devil is this eunuch saying
me: what’s that
johann sebastian bach: nothing, nothing. now tell me, where can i find one of these low key goats
☐ the novel fandom stays divided: is it better to have a novel about a smart person who does nothing, or a novel about a dumb person who does a lot of things?
February 23, 2023
twitter loves moby dick because it’s a story about the dangers of parasociality narrated by someone with a mood disorder and a wikipedia addiction
February 24, 2023
27 now. this is so crazy. i’ve literally never been this old
☐
i have a really good idea for a movie
February 26, 2023
☐ breaking bad and mad men are some of prestige television’s most alliterative exploration’s of one of capitalist society’s most essential questions: what if a guy was really good at something
February 28, 2023
two days ago i saw a crow eat a joint roach and thought to myself, it surely has super powers now. this morning, as i was laying on the better couch, i was overcome with a haunting feeling of unease—i was being watched. a movement outside my window caught my eye. it was the crow.
☐
i was so happy to find out that walter benjamin stated the ``saying ‘this edible ain’t shit’ activates the edible’’ law back in 1931, and i am even happier to report fitz hugh ludlow discovered the same in 1857
March 1, 2023
it’s cool crabs care how low- or high-vibrational other crabs are
☐
so glad someone is taking a stand
March 11, 2023
anyone reading anything good? i just finished this and liked it a lot. @GeoffreyDMorri1 killed it
March 15, 2023
April 23, 2023
it’s interesting that we say stuff that estranges us is ``alienating’’ because i feel that many people are curious about aliens and would like to know more
☐ always baffled me that people use ``rocket science’’ to mean something is hard when rockets only have to go in one direction
☐ all the psychological stuff in breaking bad basically happened to me when i started trying to be funny online
April 24, 2023
had an idea for a single article magazine
April 26, 2023
oh you’re sipping on some bean ``juice,’’ are you? that’s the liquid you got when you applied pressure to those beans? it’s their natural liquid? not water you simmered them in? which would make it a broth, or even a bouillon, synonymously, you fucking idiot, you stupid piece of sh
☐ i don’t really get why people say waiting for godot is ``absurd.’’ that’s kind of what it’s like
☐
sorry
☐
says a lot
April 30, 2023
how did people realize stuff before james joyce invented epiphanies
☐ in the high-powered world of business, an oral presentation can mean everything
May 1, 2023
here lászló krasznahorkai models the appropriate level of drama you should have when discussing punctuation marks
May 5, 2023
May 7, 2023
oh they were skewering your ass on kebab twitter? did i ever tell you about the time i got pleated on dumpling twitter, it was- (politely informed by my girlfriend that i’m doing some uncouth one-upmanship) sorry, i have social issues
☐ you should have 9 twitter circles and they should be grouped by sin
☐
May 8, 2023
happy bday! please let me follow your twitter account
☐ loved your latest tweet man. the joy you take in the process of creation was so palpable
☐
mutual monday: i’m handing out prizes \emoji{backhand-index-pointing-down}
May 10, 2023
\emoji{folded-hands}
☐ [flirting with a ray of light] i’m actually on several spectrums
May 11, 2023
i was kind of ``against relatability’’ but then i read this and i was like, wow
May 11, 2023
an ``everyone who bought it formed a band’’ tweet
May 12, 2023
daily inspo
☐
wow
May 13, 2023
May 14, 2023
literary fiction’s a good genre to work in if you’re lazy because you can just say there's a lamp'' orso we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past’’ and everyone basically knows what you mean. but in sci-fi you have to explain how the lamp works
May 15, 2023
the unspeakable tension between the woman with the new yorker tote bag + accessory boyfriend and the woman with the architectural digest tote bag + accessory dog in this weed store is making for a cerebral shopping experience
May 16, 2023
first appointment in years and i’m opening my mouth real wide at the dentist and all the air’s rushing out and i’m deflating as i zoom about the room and the dentist is freaking out because i also did the dune thing with the poison gas tooth which is exacerbating my periodontitis
May 17, 2023
it’s crazy someone had to invent lunch
May 18, 2023
i think psychoanalysis is cool because it reveals how many things you were doing by accident
☐
thoughts?
May 20, 2023
philosopher gf who opens every text with ``so i’ve been thinking’’
☐ free indirect gf who’s just so happy you finally decided to tweet about her
May 21, 2023
this is what it’s like once you’ve read enough tweets about hegel
☐ caught an episode of tom and jerry this afternoon. it was interesting. usually i like cats, but here i found myself rooting for the mouse. he’s got a certain charisma about him. can’t explain it
☐
they removed hilaria baldwin from the ``see also’’ section of the catalan american wikipedia page
☐
rip john cage you would’ve been an amazing grindset poster
May 22, 2023
this is kind of what thinking is like
☐ got thrown out of cannes for calling them ``videos.’’ again
☐ i know it’s not the most critically savvy position, but the more time i spend on here, the more i become a sort of post poptimist. sometimes water does hit different at night. depression does cause memory loss. and having memories? kind of a vibe!
☐ just saw a guy try to drink out of his hydroflask and get sucked into it like a mario pipe. his buddy’s in tears, putting the hydroflask to his lips, but nothing is happening, he can’t go down the mario pipe, his friend is lost. sf is out of control. what is happening to my city?
May 23, 2023
there is loud everywhere for those with the lungs to breathe
☐
finished this today. it’s very fun and also very funny. plus it’s pretty edifying if you want to learn about poet psychology, how to use parentheticals, and/or pigs @bartlebytaco
May 24, 2023
sitting in the adult skateboarder cafe and a guy opens his backpack and out pops a smurf, two smurfs, a whole cortège of smurfs, each more solemn than the last: they are in mourning; one has died; the others weep; their king is gone; the season is ill; little blue faces, crumpled
☐ the reality is that drinking 5–6 beers can change the phenomenological experience of being on the bus
May 25, 2023
i wrote an essay about reading david foster wallace and being mentally ill. read here!
May 26, 2023
the right breakfast sandwich can be an intensely healing experience
☐ i know it’s a bit hackneyed to say at this point, but i really do think reading literature is important because now when i pass an elderly person on my illness walk, i can clock when their reverie is straining under the crushing weight of History. they’ve got that sebaldian gait.
May 27, 2023
``99\% of western art is apologia for capitalism’’ is a great example of why reading abstractly is bad—read concretely. moby dick’s a book about how you shouldn’t go on boats. heart of darkness’s a book about how you shouldn’t go on boats. robinson crusoe? you guessed it. fuck boats
May 28, 2023
me and the gf execute a clean pick and roll, but unfortunately i get overly excited and go for the fadeaway, which i do make, but nevertheless results in the mug shattering in the bus tub of the coffee shop, drawing some unwanted attention to my outfit
May 29, 2023
it’s kind of hard to explain to people who weren’t there what exactly the ``tweeting about succession while never having seen an episode’’ experience meant. the community it built. i don’t think we’ll ever get something like that again. it was special. there’s no other word for it.
May 30, 2023
started a new job so it’s going to be harder to post. this ai company wants to start expanding seinfeld scripts to comment on contemporary issues (war in ukraine, food delivery service etiquette, twinks), and they need me in a mechanical turk type situation. c’est la vie, i guess
May 31, 2023
if lowering pianos out of buildings using old fraying rope because you want to see if you can replace someone’s teeth with the keys is a crime, then lock me up!!
☐ i think you should leave explores the radical possibility latent in every social situation: what if you yelled
June 1, 2023
people complain ``no one writes good posts anymore. everything is so formulaic’’ and you’ll go look at who they’re following and it’s all Big Accounts. read lowbie posts. read posts in translation. if all else fails, go back and study the canon. then write the posts you want to see
☐ one of the interesting things about being alive is that there are many ways to do it
June 2, 2023
freud was so right about talking it out
☐ club tonight? ahh man it’s been kind of a long week and i don’t know if i have it in me to reimagine social relations with a gesture towards the utopian tonight. cool if i take a rain check?
June 3, 2023
go to bookstore ask if book will be a perfect jewel of a novel or uneven she doesnt understand i pull out an illustrated diagram explaining what is a perfect jewel of a novel and what is uneven she laughs and says ``it’s a good book, ma’am’’ read the book it’s uneven
☐
happy pride from my cleaning lady \emoji{face-with-rolling-eyes}
June 4, 2023
girlfriend: oh hey you’re back early. how was the museum?
boyfriend: vibe’s shifted
girlfriend: what
boyfriend (dousing his original picassos in oil and setting them ablaze): vibe’s shifted
June 5, 2023
sorry if this makes me a bad person, but sometimes i just don’t have in it me to dispute the epistemological claims being made by the skater teens at the bus stop
☐
June 6, 2023
the teenagers on the bus saw me reading a novel so they knocked it out of my hands and called me a loser for cultivating bourgeois subjectivity. ``there’s no such thing as a systems novel,’’ they cackled, as i tried to explain. then their leader hit the elfbar and requested a stop.
June 7, 2023
was hoping explaining the anne carson discourse to the guy at the corner store would net me some sort of discount, but he already had a pretty good read on the situation, and a dogmatic adherence to the employee handbook besides
☐ having a migraine really isn’t conceptually interesting enough to justify itself
☐ sometimes i’ll like a mutual’s tweet without reading it just because it has a pleasing shape
June 9, 2023
how to help friend with breakup reddit friend on acid won’t shut up friend on acid won’t shut up reddit is marxism a science quora epistemological break sep dominos how to help friend with epistemological break reddit do people really change do people really change reddit
June 11, 2023
the central thesis of the shower—that everything will change if you are wet—is patently absurd. and yet
☐ twitter becomes significantly worse when you pay attention to the different ratios
June 12, 2023
gm
June 23, 2023
this ``apparently’’ is destroying me. . . who hurt you
June 26, 2023
is there a point to posting anything but jokes? i have been unclear on this for six years
June 27, 2023
one problem with our contemporary diagnostic categories is we are no longer describing minds as ballooning'' andfilled with a heady cosmic gas’’
☐ quitting cocaine after an ``excruciating’’ evening with camille paglia and susan sontag
June 28, 2023
[chili’s]
man holding a gun to my face: i’m going to flip a coin. tails, i blow your head off. heads, well, i’ll let you keep it
me: keep what?
man: your head
me: oh. not the coin?
[sizzling. fajitas enter. he turns, distracted, vulnerable.]
me: it’s just ``it’’ was ambiguous
☐ trying to venmo a friend and a little moth flies out of my phone
☐
she’d fit right in
☐ and the truth is that most of these stoners are actually scared long before they inhale
June 29, 2023
everyone loves your notions. you know that, player
June 30, 2023
my experience of having a jewish dad is that he likes trying to embarrass me by bringing up my bris. but his experience of having a transsexual daughter is that i like trying to embarrass him by saying ``i finished the job.’’ just a little game we play
July 2, 2023
my dad sent me this prose poem(?) i wrote when i was 7
July 3, 2023
spending all of my 600 posts reading different threads where my mutuals say gm to each other. maybe this is how the site should be
July 4, 2023
learning that one of the most important Texts of our era originally belonged to the oral tradition (voice notes) . . . this is a lot to handle conceptually
July 6, 2023
sorry but the real reason They’re destroying twitter is They’re terrified that if you keep seeing posts where idioms are humorously subverted, you’ll realize that much like sociolinguistic convention, the entire artifice they call Society’s just a house of cards waiting to fall. . .
July 7, 2023
so sorry to stand up for myself, but if i’m crying on the bar patio, please don’t interrupt me to tell me ``you don’t hate tasks; you hate capitalism.’’ i hate tasks. i hate capitalism because it turns labor into tasks. i like socialism. socialism will turn labor into projects. GOD
☐
\emoji{police-car-light}\emoji{police-car-light}\emoji{police-car-light}
☐ tbh my experience on the ``hellsite’’ has made me fairly optimistic about my future eternity in hell
August 4, 2023
oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck
August 6, 2023
i’m sorry i said that i wasn’t impressed with the lk-99 stuff because ``most things in rooms are room-temperature.’’ i see now how that is contributing to an environment of misinformation
☐ [seeing someone about to dap up tuning fork jimmy] wait no stop don’t do it, there’s a reason they call him- [they do it, and tuning fork jimmy starts vibrating; i sigh] tuning fork jimmy. . .
August 7, 2023
tbh i don’t really get why people think that saying “you wrote this with a thesaurus” is a dunk. do you not write things with a thesaurus? i feel like it’s super helpful to see a list of synonyms so you can select the most precise word. also, sometimes i want to sound like a cunt
August 8, 2023
i’m sorry you thought i wasn’t being sincere when i said that i thought your allusive spotify playlist names revealed a profound depth of character and were an ambitious project of literary self-fashioning in their own right. i’ve been told i have issues with tonal inconsistency.
August 11, 2023
i honestly get it
August 13, 2023
yesterday a man walked out of a porta-potty and told me that he just took what might’ve been the best piss of his life. i wanted to tell him that if it was the best piss of his life, there’d be no room for ambiguity, but i was worried that’d be a little too feminist killjoy of me
☐ the people that complain mushrooms taste too much like dirt and matcha tastes too much like grass and neither alone can replicate the well-balanced flavors of a handful of grassy dirt are going to lose their fucking minds when they see the latte this cafe i just passed is selling
August 14, 2023
i’m not going to say it’s THE reason men are lonely, but A reason men are lonely is that some of them keep saying things like i run with a pretty esoteric pack of dogs, you sure you can hang, playboy?'' instead ofwell shit brother, this mid-size luxury sedan can seat one more.’’
☐ mad men is largely a show about the negative consequences of not being published in the atlantic
August 15, 2023
[bar in manhattan]
bouncer: can i see your ID
me: sure [fumbles around my tote bag, where my ID is loose, for a little too long] here it is
bouncer: it looks to me like you’re inhabiting your femininity with some ironic distance? you can’t drink here
me: new york fucking city
August 15, 2023
i wonder if the people who invented the pdf ever log on to this side of twitter and feel like oppenheimer
August 16, 2023
hey man i’m sorry i’m so late to the party. the teens loitering by the bus stop were having a really rich theological dialogue, and i thought hearing them out would enrich my spiritual life. oh also i brought five beers; only one of them’s open—is this a shoes off type situation?
August 17, 2023
too many people were kind of annoying about it, so i didn’t really appreciate how profoundly a rug can tie a room together. i guess that’s a lesson for you. buy a cool rug
August 18, 2023
step outside your narrow conception of what is possible, and you will see that leftover couscous can have a profoundly transformative effect on your so-called ``mental health’’
August 19, 2023
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying ``oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things’’: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
August 20, 2023
my lived experience is that it’s damn near impossible to feel like you’ve eaten the correct number of sesame sticks
August 21, 2023
``if the 50 people most responsible for climate change were killed tomorrow, absolutely nothing would change’’ is such a wild take. 50 simultaneous, high-profile assassinations? 50??? you think don delillo’s just going to let that one slide? of course not. we’re getting a new novel
☐
girl breaking in her doc martens: uhh, youch?
second girl breaking in her doc martens: umm, this hurts!
third girl breaking in her doc martens: fuck fuck fuck i want to fucking DIE
MF DOOM but he’s a dentist: one in ten done did it again / he a neat teeth freak, capeesh?
August 23, 2023
☐ the serious cup of mud you drink when you get off work hits that much harder because it’s all about a love of the game
August 24, 2023
☐ i have been nothing but neurodivergent to you
August 25, 2023
i need to take 2-3 identical walks a day about this
August 26, 2023
prosecutor: you have an unblemished record of homosexuality, correct? me: yes. p: dykefag? me: no – futch. nothing above sapphic. p: can you explain this tweet then from september 5th: ``women \emoji{drooling-face}’’ me: i consider sapphic dyke. i yearn off half a hit of that fruity shit p: i see.
☐ it’s always so confusing when writers say they don’t like writing because the rest of being a writer seems like it sucks
☐
[sitting in the rain]
guy: we needed this
his sentimental friend, smiling softly: we really did
\enlargethispage{2\baselineskip}
August 28, 2023
what are they afraid of
☐
person on the internet: imagine how ridiculous it would be if someone got high to appreciate ugly people
stoner icon walter benjamin in 1928:
☐ a thunderstorm knocks out the power, and when inspectah deck gets the back-up generator working, the yearly wu-tang clan company retreat takes a tragic turn: cappadonna found dead in the foyer. tense squabbling until a detective arrives at the scene: nardwuar, the human detective
August 29, 2023
white boys hopping in the cypher
August 30, 2023
hey, we saw you from across the bar—well, more heard you. you just kept staring at your phone and saying ``trouble in the provinces it seems . . .’’ but you said it like twelve or thirteen times. were you waiting for someone to ask you which trouble? or which provinces? we’re so lost
August 31, 2023
manuel `i’ll never put you in a situation’’ puig
September 1, 2023
inviting your friend zeno over for dinner (chili), and there’s a little bit left, and he gets up to take half of what’s left, and then you take half of what’s left, and then he takes half of what’s left, and you just keep going like that until one of you gets sick of eating chili
September 2, 2023
how it feels to drink one (1) cup of serious mud and open twitter on a saturday morning
☐ dreams are so cool. i love waking up with content
September 3, 2023
too real
☐ stay in the car babe, i said i’d handle this (muttering) now what kind of jackass paints a tunnel on the side of a damn mountain
☐ my moon sign, your honor?
September 4, 2023
saying gm after noon
☐ i left them out as a little experiment, and my superconductors have just finished coming up to room temp. if anyone cares
September 5, 2023
my novel has a cover! many thanks to @cix_eria for the beautiful art
you should be able to buy it later this month
☐ sisyphus is so funny. like girl!! give up
September 6, 2023
FYI to high achievers/straight A-ers/gifted and talented-ers, my therapist says all the therapists compare notes and if you’re impressive enough in early sessions, you can get into honors therapy, but if you aren’t impressive enough, it’s sign of an incurable sickness of the soul
September 8, 2023
?
September 9, 2023
(touching earpiece) diva down
September 12, 2023
i wrote a novel! @cix_eria did the cover art
a few of the layout choices read better in the physical, but either way, half the profits will go to organizations working with incarcerated and formerly incarcerated trans people.
hope you enjoy!! thank you\emoji{saluting-face}
September 25, 2023
(weaning drake) ever since i left the titty you
September 29, 2023
September 30, 2023
oomf
October 1, 2023
how it feels sometimes
overheard a man in a harvard coffee shop ask a woman if she ``had ever heard of a guy named malcolm gladwell’’
October 4, 2023
like anyone else, i think it’s fun to sit around and imagine that writers hate each other because of the stuff they write, but in this case, it’s literally just that james joyce drunkenly approached her in a london street and demanded she explained what she thought semicolons did
October 5, 2023
☐ sorry, but the reason They don’t give it to pynchon is They’re afraid he won’t show up to give the speech, and the reason They don’t give it to krasznahorkai is They’re afraid he won’t stop giving it
October 13, 2023
i have seen writers framing their refusal to publicly support palestinians as intellectual humility, but i think genuine humility would be seeing that what’s being asked of you is not your sophistication but your solidarity. isn’t the whole point being part of a collective voice?
November 13, 2023
[situation room]
suit: mr. president, sir. a postmodern novelist is adroitly blending the idioms of high and low culture
president: adroitly?
suit: that’s right, sir. sources on the ground suspect it might even be deft
president, collapsing in his chair: dear mother of christ
November 16, 2023
flaubert coming back from this to write madame bovary as his debut novel . . . real shonen vibes
November 17, 2023
annie ernaux \emoji{thumbs-up}
November 18, 2023
this works for a lot of things
November 19, 2023
a huge thing i’ve learned from my therapist is our brains didn’t evolve to be happy. they evolved to recognize a pattern after two things and chuckle sensibly when you break the pattern on the third thing. she loves that bread and butter shit. wants me to work on my fundamentals.
November 20, 2023
it is true that if you want to read the postmodernists, you have to read the modernists, which means you have to read the 19th century, which means the 18th century, which means going back to where it all began: taking mushrooms and telling your friends strange stories. good luck
November 21, 2023
November 22, 2023
one things you learn reading wikipedia articles about famous authors is the ``anxiety of influence.’’ to illustrate, walter benjamin was serious about weed, but then thomas pynchon was unserious about weed, so david foster wallace got serious about weed, so ben lerner got unserious
November 24, 2023
eventually, every clown, jester, fool, etc. realizes that they’re trapped in their bit, and starts to feel boxed in by these absurd rules they’ve set for themselves that don’t even exist outside of their head, which is how you end up becoming a mime
November 25, 2023
everyone reads literature. everyone. and you? you’ve only read two lispectors this year? what’s your book count? 46? pathetic. it’s the end of november. what have you been doing? solenoid? don’t talk to me about solenoid. i want numbers. only 46 books talking to me about solenoid
November 26, 2023
loving a ceramicist is lowkey goated when forming emotional attachments to bowls is the vibe
☐
my real take on the death of the humanities is that we could undeath them by introducing a new kind of semicolon that establishes two independent clauses are in contradiction. it would look like the below, and it would enable a generation of dialectical thought that would free us
November 27, 2023
got kicked out of the dispensary for asking them to tell me where their wares fell on The Chart. again
November 28, 2023
end is probably the worst place to be at wit’s
November 29, 2023
one of the main reasons to get really good at writing fiction is that you’re allowed to have really bad opinions about it. this is known as the nabokov defense
November 30, 2023
one of psychoanalysis’s great insights is that people don’t always realize what they’re doing
December 4, 2023
reading the anatomy of melancholy and apparently depressed scrolling is 400 years old
December 8, 2023
grief and anger are the right things to feel about a genocide. the infrastructure to turn those feelings into effective political action is weak; the infrastructure opposing it is strong, and taking its side is easy and rewarding. this is so clear to anyone looking beyond twitter
December 11, 2023
really really like what you’ve done with your room. the way it’s decorated. the arrangements. the floor. it feels like a meditation on all your previous rooms
☐ it’s embarrassing to admit but i had to experience true rock-bottom depression before i could see how every thing i had ever done was a mistake
☐ sometimes you’ll get on the bus to go somewhere, and you’ll get there, and you’ll think: it’s crazy society works. but then you remember it doesn’t really
☐
(pope email)
blessed, the pope
December 12, 2023
[twitter loading screen tip]
throwing a stone is often the fastest way to exit a glass house
December 13, 2023
December 21, 2023
saw a new therapist. started the the point of therapy is to workshop new comedy routines'' bit, but he cut me off and saidisabel, the point of therapy is to work on yourself so that everyone in your life stops seeing you as a burden.’’ so he’s a deadpan guy. going to learn loads
December 23, 2023
she’s a 10 but there are five 2s tied to the other track, and the trolley is headed straight their way
December 24, 2023
[river]
disappointed gay beaver: frankly my deer, it’s not giving a dam
deer (also gay): [deer noises]
December 26, 2023
every writer dreams of being read by readers who respect their work by asking the difficult questions: does liking this book make me a type of guy? what type of guy? is it an annoying type of guy? will people on the internet make fun of me? what does liking this book say about me
January 7, 2024
this is how i text my friends
January 12, 2024
January 14, 2024
confused highway fetishist gets off on wrong exit
January 16, 2024
it’s already such a struggle to get 70,000 of your friends to come together, binge drink, and think about statistics, but to do that and also ensure that everyone’s outfit is color coordinated? i kind of ``get’’ sports
January 17, 2024
[waiter school]
waiter teacher: and what is the most important rule of waiter school?
waiter students, in unison: you have to hand it to them!
waiter teacher, tears in his eyes: you have to hand it to them
January 18, 2024
he hated muffing and i was fucking trans women
January 19, 2024
this is basically what criticism did to the novel
January 20, 2024
[time traveler explaining mushrooms to a prehistoric man]
this one kills you. this one kills you. this one is kind of an earthy flavor, with lots of umami. this one makes you want to reorganize your room. oh, what’s a room . . . it’s the place with all your stuff. this one kills
January 21, 2024
tweeting like a grad student should be enough to get you library access
January 22, 2024
really interesting read
January 24, 2024
taking off my big floppy clown shoes only to find another pair of clown shoes. beneath those, yet more clown shoes. i’ve taken off 30 pairs and now the shoes are just regular shoes. sambas, even. but in my heart of hearts, i know they are clown shoes. for these are clown’s feet. . .
January 28, 2024
guy who’s only seen one bald person, seeing his second bald person:
☐
[artist resume]
job — artist | birth - present
shapes invented — sircle (new kind of circle) | 2014
January 29, 2024
(serenely) let’s fucking go
☐ there are types everywhere for those with the guys to be
January 30, 2024
every idea in a novel is necessarily presented with enough ironic distance such that the novelist is given plausible deniability for believing in it, unless, and here’s the kicker, you think it’s a good idea
January 21, 2024
[porch]
alien: on my homeworld, this would be considered gas
me, coughing: but these are mids
alien: so you are saying it is by mids that i have been, what is your term?
me: babaganoushed?
alien, staring melancholically at the sunrise: babaganoushed
☐ wise guy at the corner store told me he wouldn’t ``hold space’’ for me because space is precisely the absence of that which can be held. i told him that was total sophistry, he nodded, and i traded him a doubloon for the wrong shade of blue american spirits. outside, it was raining
February 2, 2024
[scientist convention]
statistician: a student asks me, we talk about the average american, the median american, but why not the modal american? the modal!
everyone but the guy with a shitload of clones: [chortles haughtily]
guy with a shitload of clones: would it be so wrong
February 5, 2024
they should’ve had the end of tár be her going on hot ones
February 6, 2024
it is said that culture will be stuck in endless pastiche until artists can come up with a name for what comes after postmodernism. curiously, none of us have thought to look to the sciences for answers, where an interesting conceptual apparatus, counting, offers postmodernism 2.
February 10, 2024
the power of literature
March 8, 2024
you literally can’t go wrong believing everything @selontheweb says
March 10, 2024
\emoji{dove}
March 12, 2024
(not getting it) i think i finally get it
March 15, 2024
there’s a ton of content outside!
March 16, 2024
sitting at the wrong gate an hour early
March 23, 2024
March 24, 2024
at first, i was surprised that 377 pages into postmodernism, fredric jameson says, ``but it is corny to say so,’’ but after some mental rotations, i can now see that evaluating something for corniness is nothing less than a form of historical thinking (as such). he’s done it again.
☐
as even a cursory review of the literature would suggest, most baby organizations are horizontal in nature, which makes the fictive ``boss baby’’ a rather transgressive proposition indeed . . .
March 25, 2024
kinda crazy they made computers do all this stuff only using 0s and 1s. lesser minds might have tried to use 2s, 3s, and maybe 5s, but a true artist knows creativity needs constraint
March 26, 2024
learned a lot having this conversation with @katpburke! many thanks to @fullstopmag and @profesh4evr for the opportunity
April 8, 2024
watched a pot until it boiled
May 28, 2024
andreas malm \emoji{thumbs-up}
☐ (reading a psychoanalysis textbook) yeah ok. ok. yeah. ok yeah. yeah. yeah! wait. yeah. yes. yes! not really. man i think it depends. but yes. yes. for sure
☐ it’s pretty easy to find profundity in your daily life since that’s where you are most of the time
May 21, 2024
you should be able to open the dsm and have it say ``this is what it’s like to be 28, 29, 30’’ and many other ages besides
June 4, 2024
(coming out as sapiosexual) i’ve come to the following conclusions:
☐ ``it makes sense in context’’ that’s what context does \emoji{heart-hands}
June 6, 2024
waiting for godot is so funny. like girl!! he’s not coming
June 7, 2024
that’s an interesting theoretical problem, but i follow some extremely well read 24 year olds who have already solved it
☐ the only ``queer space’’ you need to worry about is the one you keep putting before your exclamation points
☐
what happened here?
☐ it’s so sick when you’re reading a novel and a character is a writer and the author makes you play a minigame with their writing
June 9, 2024
it’s strange when people think the point of criticism is to figure out what the novelist was actually trying to say, like fiction is some disguise you put on your real thoughts, and not the thoughts themselves
June 10, 2024
enough is enough
June 11, 2024
(headed to the club) did you do the reading?
June 12, 2024
could listen to this for hours
June 17, 2024
locked in
June 19, 2024
waking up is such a high agency move
June 24, 2024
you should listen to this. at least once. maybe three hundred times
June 26, 2024
hey, sorry, don’t mean to interrupt what looks like really powerful melancholic reminiscing over the contingencies of love, but we’re about to turn off the slow jazz and shift into something a little more “the club as utopian space,” so if you could stop swirling those ice cubes
June 29, 2024
it keeps happening
☐
someone’s having fun
☐ thanks for inviting me last night! i had such a clarifying time
☐ (pitchfork but they review genders) in her hormone-laden sophomore effort,
June 30, 2024
(guy who can’t remember the word ``novel’’) woah this is shelf is stacked!! you’ve read all these projects of sensuous form-giving?
July 10, 2024
kind of coming around on realism. like that’s life! sort of
July 11, 2024
i tweeted a joke about biden dying and got a dm saying to ``stick to jokes about literature.’’ fair enough. i thought poking fun at the reverence people have for the corpse of a bygone era would be a transferable skill, but i see now a big difference is i want one corpse to be aliv
July 12, 2024
darryl is one of the best books of the 21st century so far, and it should be a part of any discussion about that, but something about it hanging out on the side, just watching, well,
☐
\emoji{writing-hand}
July 14, 2024
i was thinking the same thing yeah
☐ you’re not oversharing at all! i genuinely love hearing about your deceit-laden milieu
☐ ``it’s hard to overstate’’ is such a good opener because then when you go on to overstate something everyone will be like, wow. holy shit
July 16, 2024
being sick is so embarrassing. like i’m not usually like this
☐ i don’t understand being disappointed in the democrats. why would i expect anything from politicians actively supporting a genocide? unfortunately, i can’t finish this tweet without risking my new job as the other person in tenacious d, but i trust my followers’ ability to intuit
July 18, 2024
theater kids? [adjusting spectacles] but it also provokes
July 19, 2024
sorry for liking all of your posts. it’s because i think the artistic unit of twitter is the account, and i appreciate the way you both continue and reinvent yours with every post. dm me if i ever miss one and you think it’s important for the character arc. don’t want to miss out
☐ i love being 28. i just ate an astonishing tomato
July 20, 2024
July 22, 2024
breaking the fourth wall is so funny. like \emoji{index-pointing-at-the-viewer}
☐ i think it’s cool to read novels to improve yourself. makes a lot more sense to me than reading a novel so you can give it a grade. life is sacred. happy monday \emoji{purple-heart}
July 24, 2024
(to bus neighbor) of course, the real main character’s the city
July 26, 2024
this j. d. vance thing is a nightmare for comedians. like how do you top a couch
☐ (convincingly) you are one interesting chica
July 27, 2024
love literary geniuses. wish there were like 8 billion of them
☐ it’s not that i’m ``failing to follow through on my commitments’’ so much as i am continually reassessing the situation in light of the changing historico-material conditions, and adjusting my behavior as such, which simply gives the appearance of a mercurial and erratic character.
July 28, 2024
[waiter school]
head waiter: and if they say, for example, ``not the soft shell crab!’’ then we . . . ?
waiters-to-be, in unison: don’t hand it to them!
head waiter: . . . unless?
teacher’s pet waiter: it’s the gay ``not the’’?
☐ i just wanted to say that i’m sorry about everything. that should cover all the bases
☐ (forgot the word for fiction) i’m a shitwriter
August 2, 2024
fans of the sentence rejoice—this book goes hard!
August 5, 2024
i started a newsletter! the link is in my bio. first post is about zombies
August 12, 2024
i wrote about a joke i liked! link in bio
August 17, 2024
pretty fun album
August 18, 2024
marx’s ecology — john bellamy foster
The Rest of Life
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